Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I Sometimes Wish I Was A Guy....

That's right ladies...I sometimes wish I was a guy.
Don't get me wrong I love who I am but I just feel like being a girl sometimes is just too much work and guys don't have to deal with half the shit we do. It also helps that I'm currently drinking large amounts of wine while thinking of these things.

They Don't Really Have to Shave
Unless they fall into the categories of: Gay, Metro, Swimmer, or Guy who doesn't like hair.
We have a constant battle with leg hair, underarms, and that special place. Razor burn, stubble, weird hair thing that happens when you get cold, all of these things we have to worry about BESIDES shaving those damn areas.
I have yet to hear a guy say "Oh god I was about to hook up with a girl and then realised I hadn't trimmed in a while and my armpit hair is just way too long right now."

They Can Be Sweaty and it is Sexy
 Now, I am not saying that sweaty women can't be sexy, I am saying that when a man is sweaty and smelly it can some how be sexy as hell. It evidently triggers something inside a woman that makes us just want to rub our face all over their hot sweaty chest.
Men also like the fact that they can be all gross and sweaty and we still love them. When it comes to us they don't exactly say "Baby don't shower for a couple of days I love your sweaty smell."

They Don't Have to Worry About Giving in to Make Up
Once again unless they fall into the categories of: Gay, Metro, or in a Rock Band.
We use concealer, foundation, mineral powder, eye shadow (sometimes more than one color), eye liner, fake eyelashes, mascara, blush, lip liner, lip stick, and lip gloss.
Holy crazy Batman, we could be the Joker.
They seriously walk into the shower, turn around, walk out of the shower and put clothes on and go....

Sooooo Much Easier to Dress When a Guy
I am completely clueless when it comes to dressing myself.
We are talking jeans, t-shirts, and flip flops are all I wear. I can be seen in a dress or a skirt from time to time but if I don't HAVE to I wont. I'm that girl that walks up to the poor sales clerk and asks for help because I can't figure out what I am going to BUY from the store let alone how to put them together when I get home.
Now, when I'm on the men's side of the store....OH DEAR SWEET BABY JESUS! I can shop. I don't know what it is but put me with a man and I will give you The Sexiest Man Alive 2012.
No Joke
I used to love shopping for my ex boyfriend. More than half the shit he owned when we were together I picked out and/or paid for.

There isn't as Much Crying
I mean seriously they might admit to tearing up while watching Rudy or Armageddon, but if you ask if they cried in the Notebook you are getting a big fat NO!
I'm the crier, I'm the one who at the end of Marley and Me was curled up in a ball crying so hard the person I was with actually gave me a dirty look and moved away from me. I was that hysterical.
Douche Canoe

They Can Go to a Bar Alone
If a woman went to a bar alone and just sat their drinking one of two things is going to run through someones mind. A) She is a hooker or B) That sad sad girl is all alone because no one loves her.
Don't disagree, you know those things would run through your mind if it was a Friday or Saturday night and some girl was just sitting at the bar all alone pounding those drinks away.
Men can go to a bar alone, make friends, and take some woman back to their place at the end of the night.
So not fair.

They Lose Weight Faster
It's true, men can go to the gym twice a week for a month and drop like 25lbs.
We go to the gym 4 times a week for a month and cut out snacks, sodas, and fried foods and we end up gaining like 10lbs.
There is something wrong with that math and thinking.

Can Pee Anytime Anyplace
I do know girls that will argue this one with me that they can stop squat and piss with the best of them but seriously, think about it.
All men have to do is stand there, pull down a zipper, and TADA instant bladder relief.
If we want to pee in a location not designated for that type of activity we either need to be wearing a skirt and pull the panties to the side OR take off all of our bottoms and squat bare assed so we don't splash.

"I Moustache You A Question"
They can have a moustache and it isn't weird.
I'm all for the moustache trend going around where people are getting them tattooed on their fingers, buying coffee cups with the moustache, glasses that come with the hanging moustache....you get my point.
If a woman had a real moustache well then....ya not as cool.

They Don't Have the Lady Bits Down....There
OK....trust me I like being a woman (there will be a follow up post to this in the future) but come on. We go through hell with that thing.
We figure out what it is as a child then suddenly people are telling us that guys stick things up there and then after those things get up there a human being comes out!
Then once a month your body decides to reenact a scene from some scary horror movie where someone is bleeding from their eyes (you get the idea). We also have to worry about once a year having some man or woman claiming to be a doctor get to third base with you and YOU are PAYING them and it isn't even enjoyable.
We also now have the option to Va-jazzle our HooHas (Thank you for that lovely conversation Friday night Jessica and Kim I love Twitter Time). If you don't know what it is google it because you will pee laughing. 
Also, we are like freakin diesel engines.....it takes a really long time to get us started and as soon as we are purring nicely along we end up with some little speed bike who zooms past us and leaves us sad.
I mean come on who decided when making our body parts that men can get off faster than women.
It is like the guy who invented high heels.
It is a sick joke.

I'm done ranting for now...
Til next time Lovelies


Millie said...

I just love this! Thank you for making me laugh this morning.

Jess Casey said...

BAHAHAHAA! so true. I was once told by a guy that he didn't trust anything that could bleed for seven days and not die.

Kim Orpin said...

Hahahaha...all of this is SO true! This is one to show Hubs and say, "SEE? This is why I'm so jealous of you all the time! You don't have to deal with these things!"

At least we can handle being sick like champs

Whitney @ I Wore Yoga Pants said...

Serious life... the MAKE UP!! I wishhhhh!!

Hallie said...

total agree! on everything.
this is why we are best friends, and thanks for posting the glorious moustache picture of me.

you are a hot mess.

Jen said...

Hey! I nominated you for the Liebster Award! Check it out =)


Katie said...

You know, in general, I'm okay with most of that stuff. But it is totally unfair that men just have so much more freedom from being judged. It's like everything a woman does is under a microscope. And if a man does something it's like "just leave him be..." Boo men. Boo

Angi said...

Hahaha...the gym thing is SO TRUE. My husband can do pushups for a week and have biceps. I can do pushups for a week and...absolutely nothing.

Found you from Life:Oceanside - new follower!! :)

Anonymous said...

I love all of these. So true. The one I cringe at the most is the makeup one. How lovely it'd be not to have to worry about covering up a zit...or 8.

serendipity427 said...

You are absolutely HILARIOUS. Thank you for the laugh. :) (Maybe it helps that that wonderful monthly visitor is coming this weekend which will make me curse men and simultaneously want to be one.

Betsy Gaull said...

I feel your pain girl! and I have a VERY similar post on my blog entitled I have Penis Envy. I wrote it one day when I was a bit tipsy, and on my period and I was sick ant tired of "girl problems". http://liberalslutadventures.blogspot.com/2012/09/i-have-penis-envy.html
I can definitely say that I feel the same way as you in that men have it WAY easier than women ;)

Catherine said...

hahahaha ~ This made me laugh!!

New follower here!

Come check out mine too...

jamiessmiles said...

I replied with a post, because I needed a picture to illustrate my point.

You are very funny.

OneBigMistake, andSome said...

Found you through Jamiessmiles's post on his blog and love the post. I followed your advice and googled Va-jazzle our HooHas and laughed out loud staring at my computer with a room full of serious people who I couldn't share this with, but not to worry I shared it on my blog instead :)
I wrote a post about how unfair it is that guys having threesomes is fantastic to their friends, and girls on the other hand are judged harshly in that department even by their besties... agree or disagree?

Audrey said...

You have an amazing blog and this is an interesting post. I can't help but agree to all your points, LOL! And yes, they do can wear anything and quite simply and fast. Sigh...

Subscribed to your FB Fan Page. Keep on blogging! =


Lisette @ Northern Belle Diaries said...

O. M. G. It's like you read my mind!! I agree 100% with you. Even the bar scenario. Can't tell you how many times I've wanted to go to a bar by myself without wanting to look like I was there to "get some." Thanks for making my morning!

Also, check out my giveaway!