I hope you all enjoyed Jess's post yesterday and thank you to everyone who went and followed her!
Also, Welcome to all of my new followers!
Since I didn't write yesterday I had some time to read some of my favorite bloggers and take a closer look into their past posts.
Whitney @ I Wore Yoga Pants has a post about how she used to be engaged.
That coupled with the fact I've had a few people ask me why I selected the quote at the top of my page made me decide to share a part of me only a few of you are aware of.
I have debated writing this because of the level of how personal it is coupled with the fact that I know of some people who read my blog but who cares. This is my blog, my life, and if they don't like it well they know what they can do to themselves. You are all very aware of the fact that I normally write humorous, random posts but this one is going to sadly not be that.
It is personal
It is a bit uncomfortable
It is serious
In 2006 I was 18 and had just graduated High School. I didn't really know what I wanted to do with myself, I thought I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, but I wasn't really sure. I enrolled in the community college near me and thought I just needed to start school again and I would figure things out.
This was the age of Myspace, Facebook was still not cool but it was getting there, and I for some reason had men asking me out on the site. I decided to meet with a guy who had JUST moved down here from Ohio. We met up with friends and I thought it would be a one nighter but we started to hang out more and more and I was a bit insecure back then. I asked him to be my boyfriend. I should have known then that if the girl has to ask, this isn't going to really work out.
He said yes and we dated for a few months until he decided he wanted/needed to move back to Ohio. I was devastated, crushed, I thought my world was ending. We tried long distance but it just wasn't seeming to work. I was hanging out with a boy who lived here and made a choice I shouldn't have. I now know that because I made that choice I should have just ended things right then and there. Instead I went to Ohio to visit my boyfriend and he proposed after being together 6 months but only really dating in person for 3.
I was so young and, sadly, desperate to have someone love me. I grew up with this constant fear that no one would ever love me and that sadly I wouldn't get that dream every girl wants when growing up. I accepted his proposal and decided I was going to drop out of school and move up there.
My parents were furious, didn't agree, and tried everything they could think of to stop me. I informed them I couldn't NOT take a chance and had to give it a shot.
I drove up there and within 3 days we almost broke up and I almost moved back but I didn't.
I should have.
We got our own place, I got a job, and started our lives together.
I didn't have any friends, the only ones I had were his friends, but I was OK with it because I was with someone I thought I loved.
Things were going well, I thought I was in love, and was having a life that I wanted.
I was a young stupid asshole.
In 2008 we got into a huge fight, it really was a turning point but I wasn't paying attention. I gave back the ring, we "broke up" but were still living together. The stress from this unfortunately sent me to the hospital because I was eating Advil like there was no tomorrow. I asked the then ex if he would drive me and he said no. I had to beg and plead and he finally gave in. He wouldn't walk into the hospital room with me, instead waited in the waiting room and had a friend come over to hang out with him. My brain was swollen and they wanted to do a spinal tap because of it but I declined and left after I got some medication.
Shortly after this we got back together but not engaged.
We started fighting more.
He started breaking windows, punching holes in the walls, backing me against the wall and yelling in my face.
I just stood there and informed him I wanted him to hit me because then I could just call the cops.
I was dumb, I didn't leave, I should have.
He lost his job shortly after that and we started having more and more issues.
Christmas 2009 we went down to Florida to visit my parents and the boyfriend informed me that we should move down there once our lease was up and start fresh.
I was so excited, a new start, maybe it would get us back to where we were.
Things started to progress, he was a little distant, but I thought it was because of the big change that was going to happen. He finally had gotten a PT job and so we weren't being sucked into a this black hole of no hope.
June 2010 he started spending a lot more time with friends and not coming home. Our love life didn't exist and I just thought this was all because he was trying to get as much time in with his friends before the big move since who knew when we would see them again. The job had been notified, the apartment knew the lease wouldn't be renewed, my mother was expecting us.
July 10th was going to be our 4 year anniversary, July 6th I was at work and got a text around 10pm from the boyfriend. It said "I've been thinking, and I know you aren't going to be happy, but I don't want to move to Florida." I was PISSED I started to go into panic mode asking him why he didn't tell me, that I would try to get the apartment to let us stay and see if I could keep my job. He informed me that he didn't want to move to Florida but he wanted me to because he didn't want to be with me anymore. My anger and fury went from him not sharing his feelings to him breaking my heart via text message just an hour before I was to get off work and see him in our apartment.
I went through so many emotions I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I left work at 11pm and drove home to discover he had left to go into his job to work the over night shift. I changed, drove over there, and he came out and said I needed to leave. He informed me there was nothing to talk about that he just didn't want to be with me.
I didn't want to tell my friends and family because I thought MAYBE we could work this out. I had texted one of his friends because I didn't know what to do. I went over there and just cried and cried and his friend just sat there looking like he wanted to escape. It was revealed to me that my now ex-boyfriend had decided in May that he wasn't going to move and knew if he informed me of this back then I wouldn't have left.
I got furious, I got so angry I packed up my ex's things in moving boxes and sat them in the living room. I didn't go to sleep I just sat there and waited for him to come home. He saw the boxes, grabbed them, and left.
Over the next few weeks before I had to move I tried everything in my power to get him to change his mind. I became depressed and finally work found out about my break up, my parents finally found out, and so did the few friends I had. I left Ohio July 31st 2010 and kept hope that maybe, just maybe, he would change his mind and come down.
I discovered he already had a new girlfriend, he didn't tell me, his friends did. I discovered that he never loved me, that he had stopped loving me a few YEARS ago but just didn't know how to get me to leave so he knew saying he would move to Florida was the way to go. I was a mess, I just couldn't move past him even though he had moved past me and our 4 years of being together. My worst fear came back to hit me that maybe I just wasn't lovable. That I wasn't meant to have that happily ever after.
December 2010 I was in a bar drinking my sorrows away, back then I developed a drinking problem, and texted him. He responded with "I wish you would just die. Why can't you just go some place and die and leave me and my friends alone." One of my friends saw my face and rushed me out of the bar because that mental breakdown finally happened. She took my phone away and just held me as I slowly died on the inside.
My drinking problem became an even bigger issue and I finally had to snap MYSELF out of it because no one else could get through to me. I sadly replaced alcohol with random men but kept working on getting myself back together. July 2011 was a little tough because it had been a year and he was living with the girl and expecting a child. I kept working on myself though and finally realised that I was better than this. That someone, some day, was going to come along and give me everything I wanted and more. That I was better because I wasn't married, I wasn't in an abusive relationship, I wasn't 23 and pregnant, that I had my whole life ahead of me to realise what I wanted.
I've now been single for over 2 years and I'm OK with it. I've healed, and I don't use anything to cover the sadness that was in my life. Every now and then that little insecure girl creeps out of her box and I have to punch her back down.
I sometimes am happy that I went through this because I now know what to watch for, what to avoid, how to get out. I grew up and discovered that I am a pretty amazing woman and I don't NEED someone to be happy.
I watch, read, and hear about other women (and men) who are in relationships similar to mine. That it is one sided, that if the spouse doesn't get their way they will find some way to lash out and make the man or woman feel like shit. That if they want to go do something and the spouse doesn't the spouse will make that person feel so guilty they will back down and accept it isn't going to happen. That these people believe they are in love, they might actually be, but the person they are with are too immature to actually love back. The spouse has turned these men and women into their mother/father/roommate/care taker and wont let them go because they wont have anyone there to do what they want. I want to strangle these people, I want to shake them and make them see what is going on, but I know from experience it has to be something they learn on their own.
The issue with abusive relationships is that they don't have to be physical. The physical ones are a little easier to spot and to move past because you have proof. It is the emotional ones that people don't know how to get out of. You get so broken down and don't even realise what is happening to you.
If you are going through this, or you know someone who is, know you are not alone. There is help out there, you don't have to stay with this person because you think it is right or you are scared of being alone. You will live, you will move on, you will survive.
I know this was long but it is something I had to share.
I knew it was the time to share it.