Monday, November 5, 2012

Why I'm Happy to Be a Girl

I'm discovering lots of wine or coffee helps with writing.
It's true.
You should try it, unless you already do, then WOOHOO! You are now one of my favorites :)

Last month I wrote a post about why I sometimes wish I was a guyI didn't realise it was going to be as popular as it was and that people would actually post about it on their own blogs.
Thanks for that ladies and gents.
I had mentioned I would do a follow up post sooooo let us get started ;)

We can get pampered
A day of waking up a little later than normal, going to the spa, getting a mimosa, sitting in a massage chair as some nice person rubs my legs, takes care of my toes, massages my feet, and the toes done. Then we move on to the nice table where they rub our arms, take care of the fingers, and then put on some pretty polish. We move down to the hair station where they wash our hair, rub the back of our neck and temples, then sit us in a chair cutting, blowing, flat ironing our hair into some amazing style that we can't even get close to on a good day.
Guy do sometimes do this, weirds me out a little, but they usually spend $10 on a haircut and then sit there with this blank look on their face when you explain how much you just spent on your spa day.
Does anyone have money they don't need because I'm feeling like I need to be pampered ;-)

We know how to play 'Damsel in Distress'
Guys couldn't do this even if they tried. If they did try I might laugh my butt off.
I would like to think I perfected this to a tee.
I mean men HAVE to know we are doing this because if they don't their brains must not work to the best of their abilities.
I don't know how many times I've been standing in the grocery store and just didn't feel like trying to reach and get something so I just stand their for a little 'contemplating' how to get the item down till some man walks by and notices me, I flutter my eye lashes and say in a soft voice "Sir, I really would like this item but it is just too far up for me to get it. Would you mind possibly getting it down for me?"
It's now mine.
I could have gotten it but I just didn't feel like putting forth too much energy at that moment.
Same with wiper blades. I know how to do it, I had to teach some guys I know how to do it. I just don't like getting my nails dirty so if some "strong strapping young man" wants to help a lady out psh who am I to convince him otherwise.

We can use crying as a weapon
Have you ever seen a mans reaction when a woman starts crying?
They look like you just informed them that their dick is about to drop off.
We get the whole lower lip quivering, the eyes get a little watery, sad puppy dog eyes appear and men get lost.
Crying is an art.
If you go too far and start snotting and getting all puffy they look at you like you've lost your mind. Now if you can keep it a bit under control, cover your face with your hands, and get a little hiccup in there now and then these men become putty in your hand.
They want it to stop, and stop NOW.
They hate it, they will do anything you want for you to stop crying.
Once they do it, you stop crying, they look so relieved.
Magic I say, magic.

We have certain assets
Some women are lucky to be gifted up top and down below, others are just in one spot. You learn to work it you've got an in.
I do believe my bottom is nice but the tops is more workable.
Low enough shirt, a nice smile, and leaning over in the right way....
Yep, drinks are always nice :)
I don't need them free but if you give me one drink that is worth 3 I'm a happy little drunk girl sitting in the corner.
If you have a bottom and you learn how to properly swirl your hips as you walk you can have a man following you in a heart beat. I'm always interested in watching these women work. They don't have to ho it up but with the right clothes and the right actions men just eat right out of their palm.
The girls who dress like strippers and just walk like a man make me angry. Those men aren't drooling after you, they are informing their friends you probably have an STD.
Just sayin.

We don't have a penis
I like the man goods, I'm a straight woman, of course I do.
They just aren't attractive.
They look like mushrooms or a very unshapely man with a helmet on top of their head.
I know the last part because I drew one one time when I was bored in class.
I giggled.
Now, I did drunkenly one night admit to all the things I would do if I was permitted to be a guy for 24hrs.
I just don't want to be a guy.
I'm not saying our lovely lady part down there looks like the Taj Mahal but I don't have to see it. It isn't like they are poking out from our bodies, flapping around like a sad banana with two wrinkly little onions hanging behind it.
Not pretty, just ugly.

We can create life
Men think that we NEED them in order to produce children.
That every woman when they get to a certain age will beg for some guy to come along so that they can have children.
I don't need you, your drama, your attitude.
I just need that DNA you carry around.
I can go to a bank, place an order, and TADA!
If you are a guy and you want a kid you NEED a woman, you can't just make one yourself.
We win
Hence why god is a woman ;)

Til next time lovelies


Millie said...

This is amazing. I'm so with you on the crying thing. They panic and will do just about anything to make it stop!

Angi said...

Haha, this made me laugh...the only problem with the crying thing is if you're naturally prone to crying...and end up crying quite a bit...said men can become immune. My husband is completely unaffected by my crying!

Michael Z said...

I agree with all of these but I lost my shit at sad banana! =]

Erin said...

Hahaha stop it with the penis paragraph. Too many descriptions to fill my head with.

Monica said...

Ok I was laughing my ass off at the Penis remarks! Your right girly the Penis is so incredibly UGLY!I call it the one eyed MONSTER! YUCK!! :>)

Kelly { Messy.Dirty.Hair.} said...

I'm so happy I'm a woman but we def have it the hardest. Guys have it made!