Wednesday, March 20, 2013

My Body Doesn't Want Me Happy

I've been getting pretty frustrated recently and it is causing me to get freakin mad at myself. I'm not happy with how I look and I know you are all going to say "well do something about it" but the thing is....I'm pretty limited.

I've touched a few times on my back and how the horse screwed it up for me when I was 11. When it first happened it didn't really stop me. I was able to play soccer, run around like a crazy person, and be normal. I actually didn't know anything was going on with my back until I was 18. Recently it has gotten really really bad. Monday while painting with my mom I laid on the floor to just take a breather from everything we were doing. My back locked up and I couldn't lift my hips, sit up, and could barely roll over. My mom had to push down on my lower back for 30 seconds, which caused me to almost throw up, to relax the muscles that had clenched up. I could finally get up but I had to stretch a bit and take it pretty easy till my back relaxed.

It was scary, it was not something I ever want to go through again. I wasn't even doing anything, I was just laying there and couldn't move anymore and my leg went numb. It felt like if I moved my back would snap and I was honestly afraid something was going to break or was breaking.

I know I need to go to a Dr but my health insurance isn't exactly very helpful and I'd have to pay for everything out of pocket which I don't have anything in my pockets to give. I'm extremely scared that they are going to tell me they need to do surgery and break my back in order for it to set correctly. I'm afraid that they are going to tell me that there isn't anything they can do and it is going to get worse. Since my back freaked out my whole spine is very sore, I have a normal range of motion and I can bend and lift and twist and everything else but I'm just waiting for it to happen again where I just stop being able to move.

My Dr. has informed me I can't run and I shouldn't lift (as in weights for working out) until someone goes and takes a real hard look at the extent of my back issues. This limits what I can do working out which is frustrating because I have this weight on me that I want off and I don't know how to do it if I'm not allowed to work out. I've thought about doing spinning classes but the bending for my back might not be good. I've thought about yoga but once again my back will get into the way. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do.

This makes me frustrated because I have worked out with a personal trainer but I've had to stop them because my back would start to spasm and I would get light headed. They would keep trying to tweak things so that I could keep working out but then they would disappear (either quit or be fired) and I'd have to start with someone new all over again and it got to the point of me just stopping.

My friend Hallie, most of you know her at Life:Oceanside has started to use Herbalife and I'm really starting to think about looking into it. If I can't workout I need to really look into my diet and see how much I can lose from that. I know my body and physical activity is what my weight works off of, not the diet, but I will do my best.

I'm not happy, I don't like the way I look, and I don't like what people might think when they look at me. I don't like the fact that I'm in another wedding next weekend and I'm not going to want to look at the photos of myself. I don't like the fact that I'm not excited to get dressed up and go out because I think of how I look in an outfit. I can't even wear these beautiful heels I own because shooting pain goes right into my back and I try to work through it but I eventually have to take the shoes off. I'm happy with myself, I'm happy with my personality and everything else but when it comes down to it....I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. This gets honestly very frustrating that I have this issue with my back that I'm too scared and poor to get fixed.

I don't really talk about my weight issues with people and I don't bring up the frustration I go through because I don't feel like being a pity party. I did create this blog though as a place for me to vent and share my thoughts so I am. Thanks for listening (well reading in your case).

4 comments:

Mom said...

Hi,
We'll get you feeling better very soon :)

Amanda* said...

Have you tried yoga? Or does that hurt, too? I'm sorry you're having such a hard time! Sometimes a good diet does wonders!

Hallie @ Life:Oceanside said...

I love you booo, and you will look beautiful. Even though you don't like the way you look, I LOVEEE you and everything about you, and you will be gorgeous standing by my side:):)

RadiantKristen said...

I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you. I would be so unbelievably frustrated. Have you tried water aerobics? It sounds totally old lady, but it really isn't... it's pretty intense, and burns a lot of calories. The best part is, it's the lowest impact exercise you can possibly do, which is why the old ladies are out there rocking it. I lost like, 8 inches back when I was doing it, and there are tons of different kinds.

I hope you can find a way to still reach your goals, and that you can find a way to heal yourself!

 
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